Why Most Dating & Relationship “Rules” Are Complete BS
We’ve all heard them, the unwritten “rules” about dating and relationships.
“Don’t call right away wait X amount of days before.”
“Don’t show too much interest right away.”
“Don’t say what you really want or need it’s off-putting.”
Blah, blah blah.
There is a real fundamental issue I have with all of these types of rules and that is they are complete and utter crap.
Why Most Relationship “Rules” Are Complete BS
These “rules” predispose people to be cautious, inauthentic and stay in their heads trying to analyze whether they are doing dating the right way. There is no space for being real, honest and transparent when we are trying to calculate our way to relationship success. This is manipulation at it’s finest. Manipulating your way into the heart of someone else- always backfires.
Manipulation doesn’t harmonize with love, it repels it. We can’t go around strategizing our way to success in love. It just doesn’t work that way. Every single relationship is unique to the two individuals coming together. No one size fits all “rule” is going to apply. It’s utter nonsense, however these rules are what fuels and feeds an entire industry.
Countless books, programs and resources are designed to “solve” the problems the relationship/dating “rules” ultimately create. Think about it, if you are following a recipe for disaster when it comes to love and relationships, eventually shit is going to go awry, relationships breakdown or end (often dramatically) and thus your beautiful spirit dims.
You may even take the failure personally and end up beating yourself up for ages because of some lame advice you were told that completely disrespects the honour and beauty both the masculine and feminine bring to relationships. (p.s. The same applies for same-sex partnership- there is always one person embodying the masculine role and the other the feminine).
How To Win In Love
The real success in dating/relationships requires a few things and I’m going to share them with you straight away:
Say what you mean, mean what you say. If you want a relationship SAY so. If you don’t want a relationship SAY so. Seriously own exactly what is is you want. To do this requires you have a solid relationship to:
It takes courage to actually be real, authentic and share openly what you are actually looking for. Inside of courage there must be a solid foundation of:
For yourself and the other person. When you tell your truth you may actually find out right away that the other person doesn’t want the same things you do. A lot of people are discouraged by this, however, I’m going to invite you to take on a new perspective.
Someone who respects you will actually have the courage to be authentic and tell you they don’t actually want to go down the same path you do if that is the case. Meaning this person is actually a freaking ANGEL. They are respectful enough to NOT waste your time, your energy and take away the opportunity for you to be with someone who actually wants what you want. Such sweetness- if our prideful egos can step aside long enough for our hearts and minds to see this.
Someone who is respectful doesn’t play games. They call when they say they will. They call when they want to (not wait 3 days or whatever the “rule” is). They tell the truth- they say yes when they mean yes and no when they mean no. Period. No games or drama.
Save The Drama For The Theatre (Tweet This)
These “rules” we’ve all come across are fuel for drama. They are the perfect food for our ego’s and give us so much room to make shit up, freak ourselves out and take ourselves out of the game.
Dating and relationships certainly take effort, but they can be so much easier if we stop engaging in these silly belief systems and rules that leave us feeling shitty.
These rules train you to deny your truth and darlin, that never feels good. So instead I’ll offer you the principles I follow when it comes to authentic dating (which, by the way, have worked like a charm, every single time).
Here are my “rules” of engagement:
1. If it feels good do it.
Meaning if it feels light, expansive, free and enriching I do it. Any person that I don’t get these feelings with I simply don’t invite them to stay in my life. I only have time for relationships that nurture and fuel my highest good.
2. Be real and authentic no matter what.
So sometimes this means calling right after a date and saying: “WOW, I had an excellent time, thank you so much for that experience. I look forward to doing it again soon.”
Sometimes it does mean waiting a few days- but only because that’s what feels good to me. Not because it’s a rule I need to follow.
3. Ask the authentic questions that reveal core alignment.
My partner and I began our relationship in a very unconventional way. We were brutally honest with each other BEFORE the official first date.
We had a conversation about commitment and our ability and interest in committing long term and whether kids/marriage/family was a priority at that point in time. We came to the conclusion that both of us were able and willing to commit long term with the right person and that kids and a family were not in any way a priority- building our careers were the main focus. And WHAMO instant alignment, I could relax knowing we were on the same page about the things that really mattered. My time is precious and I’m just not going to invest it into someone who at the core is not where I am at. Not a good use of my life.
These were the two things that needed to be talked about in order to know if there was a core value alignment. Without a core alignment things feel off, they feel weird- sometimes like you are walking on eggshells (likely because your intuition knows what’s really going on and there isn’t a fit but the head and heart don’t want to listen).
#4. Be unapologetically you.
Gosh, I prefer to put it all out on the line right away, give them the full KG personality experience. If they can’t handle it I know they are not a fit. Its simple. It makes things so much easier and I get to be myself which is such a relief.
When I’m myself I can trust that if we move on to date #2 there is some solid alignment and I don’t have to waste any of my precious creative energy worrying about if we are actually a fit- because I already know.
It feels so weird and inauthentic to pretend to be a certain way to impress someone. I’m not going to play dumb when I know I’m brilliant. I’m not going to hide my love for crystals, kittens and all things magical and enchanted because I know that connection to magicalness is part of what really makes me amazing. I’m not going to lie and say I don’t know what I want when I know exactly what I want- whether it’s a kind of food, or what I’m looking for in a relationship- I’m going to tell the full truth.
I do that because it feels good to be me. I feel the most expansive, free and powerful when I am just being me- quirks and all.
I like to think of it as a filtering mechanism. If someone can vibe with my authenticity we likely are going to have some solid rapport, either as friends, lovers, partners or whatever end up shaking out.
If there is any rule that you take forward let it be this:
Ask interesting questions on dates, ones that let you know if your core values align and if you are actually going in the same direction. You are allowed to be direct, honest, authentic, and real.
To be this direct, honest, authentic, connected and real takes a solid connection to your own self-love. Lucky for you lovers that’s my area of specialization and there are a lot of resources on this blog to help you along your self-love and relationship journey.
For those of you who want more personalized guidance, I have 2 spots left for my next group coaching program The Root Of All Love: 12 Self-Love Foundations For Relationships That Thrive. It starts next week so hit me up right away if you are interested in joining! More details HERE.
You are allowed to be you, just as you are. You get to make up the rules of engagement for your own life and your own relationships. OWN it gorgeous!
Looking for love in all the wrong places? I wrote a book for you- Sabotaged Love: The 12 Archetypes Keeping You From The Love You Want and if you are looking to thrive in life by living and leading with love, HIRE Me. Your heart will be so glad you did.
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